


Nothing without you

by TARD1S



Series: Whouffaldi Prompts [3]
Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Angst, Bedroom Scene, F/M, Face the Raven, Final Goodbye, Missing Scene
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-29
Updated: 2015-11-29
Packaged: 2018-05-04 01:03:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,481
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5314169
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TARD1S/pseuds/TARD1S
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>My version of the missing scene directly after Clara's death. The Doctor carries her body into the bedroom and says his final goodbye and all that he didn't say when she was still alive.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Nothing without you

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! Another prompt that was suggested to me on my tumblr 
> 
> www.both-time-and-space.tumblr.com 
> 
> Please show your support through commenting and giving me constructive feedback.
> 
> And please drop me some more prompts either on the comments or on my tumblr, thanks!

Breathe. He needed to breathe. His lungs burned as he refused to take in air, too occupied looking down at her. The unmoving woman laying a few feet away from him, her legs twisted slightly upwards. She looks like she could be asleep, peacefully withdrawn from the world. Yet her chest was unmoving, her fingers still, slightly curled inwards. His beautiful impossible girl, dead. 

Clara’s scream still echoed through his ears like the ringing after a gunshot. The last sound he heard her make was a scream in agony as she sacrificed herself for a boy she had only met twice in her life time. A father. A kid who was in the wrong place at the wrong time, and it ended up with his precious Clara laying motionless on the cold, hard ground. 

His burning lungs were suddenly relieved as he took in a shaky breath, that caused him to cock his head in shock as he struggled to even get the air in at first. His face twisted in pain, a face he didn’t think he had ever made before. His eyes sagged and his arms clutched to the front of his jacket, as if to try and tear it from his body. He couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t breathe. His hand moved towards his mouth, pressing his knuckles into his teeth as he shakily sucked air between his teeth.

He quickly turned around, facing away from Clara’s body, refusing to look at her anymore, refusing to believe it. He heard her scream again and again, bouncing through his mind, a sound he could never forget. He groaned loudly, pressing both of his knuckles into either side of his head, as he shouted wordlessly into the silent night. He shouted for as long as his lungs would let him, until his throat cracked and broke underneath him. His voice echoed through the alleyway, when he managed to stop, he could no longer hear her screams. It was only silence.

The Doctor took several deep breaths, allowing himself to take it in, count to seven and then let it out through his mouth. He remembered this was the breathing exercise Clara had taught him after one of his infamous breakdowns after a particularly nasty adventure that involved the Doctor failing to save the day. But he couldn’t think about that now, because she wasn’t there anymore.

The Doctor braved himself to slowly turn around and open his eyes to see her. She hadn’t moved like he had hoped. She hadn’t sat up and laughed at him, calling him a stupid, old git and run up and hug him, saying she’ll never leave him and he had nothing to worry about. Wishful thinking. It would be the end of him. 

His legs started moving towards her before his mind could catch up. His feet were by her head, he looked down at her. Her face held no expression, just painfully neutral and still. Her usual smile was no where to be seen, her beautiful eyes were shut, never to be seen by him again. This was too much. 

The Doctor gently bent down and scooped her body up. She was light, lighter than he remembered from all that time ago. She felt frail underneath him, as if the Doctor were to drop her, she would shatter in a million pieces. Her arms flopped down towards the floor, they weren’t cradled around his neck how they should be. Holding him tight to her. That was one of his regrets with Clara, he never touched her enough. 

He wished he stole more kisses from her, on the cheek or corner of the mouth. He wish he held her hand more often, or didn’t protest when she first started to cuddle with him on the library sofa after an adventure. It was too late now. He would never feel her hand clasp his again. He would never feel how her body felt against his. How her hugs were the only ones he would allow. Her physical touch was the only one to make him feel comfortable and more relaxed. No one else could ever compare to his Clara Oswald. 

His legs moved for him, taking her back into the house. Each step taking so much effort, he refused to look down at her in his arms. He didn’t want to see her like this, it wasn’t right. 

He knew all of their eyes were on him as he slowly walked back through the room. They watched his movements with empty empathy, faces filled with regret that they didn’t do anything. The Doctor gritted his teeth, his jaw tensing as he walked into the other room, the bedroom. 

Kicking the door closed behind after him, the Doctor slowly stepped towards the bed and carefully laid her down. He pulled down her risen jumper and reached down to move the hair that had fallen into her face. She was beautiful, and the Doctor never told her that enough. He never told her how lost he could get in her eyes. How mesmerised he would become when she spoke a beautiful speech. How distracting her mouth would be when she smiled up at him, or bit her bottom lip. All these sentences he wished he had said to her, yet he didn’t and he could never.

“I’m sorry Clara” He spoke softly into the silence of the room.

“I should have let you go, much earlier. I should have said to you that enough was enough, dropped you home safe and alive. Yet I didn’t, I was selfish. I couldn’t bear to have you not by my side for even one adventure, I wanted you with me, not with Danny nor anyone else. I was jealous and selfish when I shouldn't have been.” He confessed, continuing to look down at her still body.

“Oh Clara, whenever I saw you with Danny, the pain would be unbearable. To see you run to another man to sought his comfort, Clara, it killed me.” The Doctor closed his eyes briefly. 

“So, I was selfish after Danny was gone. Determined to make you know that I was all you needed in life, I was everything you could want. Yet, I wasn’t. I was nothing but danger and pain for you, I could give you no normal life back on Earth with mortgages, children and marriage. You know that isn’t me, and you would laugh at the very thought of it.” He chuckled slightly, yet it was empty.

“I fell in love with you Clara. I didn’t mean to, yet I did. You were the first face this face saw, and you were imprinted on me, you are forever in my soul. I won’t apologise for falling in love with you, because, I feel I am correct in saying you loved me too.” He whispered, his hand coming out to slowly stroke her cheek, now growing colder, losing it’s colour gradually. 

“You said not to take revenge, not to let your death send me to insanity. Clara, even when you were alive, you sent me to insanity. I was insane over you, my Clara. I don’t think I’m going to take these days well Clara, I won’t take it as smoothly as you want me to. I won’t be able to just wander back into the TARDIS and start my life again.”

The Doctor took in a shaky breath before uttering quietly.

“I am nothing without you” The tears starting to begin, slowly and then all at once. 

He repeated the last sentence several times, coming out in defeated whispers. 

“I’m sorry, my Clara, I’m sorry. I hope you don’t regret our times together because I don’t. I only regret not spending more time with you, because now, being without you everyday seems like an eternity of loneliness and depression.” 

The Doctor slowly leant down and kissed Clara’s forehead, closing his eyes tightly as he pressed into her. Before slightly pulling away to sweep his thumb across her cheekbone. Then leaning down once more to place his lips on hers. The smallest of kisses but it was all he wanted. The longer he lingered on her unmoving lips, the more of a reality it became that she was truly gone. 

“My beautiful Clara, I’ll let you rest now. I’ll see you again one day, just make sure that you’re there to greet me when I come.” 

He brushed her hair once more, before moving his hand down to clasp hers in his. Holding it one last time, feeling her hand unresponsive to his touch, before gently putting it back onto the bed and turning to walk out of the bedroom. 

He turned around at the door and casted his eyes back to Clara Oswald one last time in the dimly lit room, before closing his eyes and leaving the room, leaving her. Forever.


End file.
